And Update Is...

Wow, it's been a while.  Long story short - I ended up getting laid off in early Oct. 08 not even a week past my birthday.  Loosing my job broke my heart, crushed my spirit and robbed me of my hope.  The only thing that kept me going was my new boyfriend at the time.  He helped me out like no one ever has.  Emotionally and financially.  I ended up loosing my beloved little apt in the Valley - I'll never forget that place, it's so special to me.  I got a new job with a different company doing the same thing I did before.  Started there at the end of January - I was able to keep some meager belongings and put them in storage but the big stuff like my bed, desk, tv, entertainment center and microwave all had to go - I got lucky and was able to sell my fridge to the guy that moved into my place -  I'm now living with my boyfriend in Brentwood.  It's so much more expensive out there than it is in the Valley.  I was able to keep my car though (Thank You Jesus!) I don't know how I would have gotten by without my car.

The boyfriend and I are moving out of the place we're in now this summer into our own place.  We've been together almost 7ms now. He's fantastic - he's very good to me..  He's the marrying kind.  He's the kind that wants to have a home and a wife and kids someday.  He's 31 now so that someday isn't to far off in his mind.  I've actually concidered saying yes if he ever bothered to ask me to marry him -

                            I                                   G O T                                             F A T !

With the combination of "I can't belive I got laid off, what am I gonna do?" depression and "I can't belive I have such a wonderful new boyfriend" happiess I packed on the pounds in just a few months.  right now I'm heavier than I've ever been in my entire life - I got on the scale the other day and I came in at 141lbs. (not 2yrs ago i was 115lbs) I almost had a frikkin cornary.  I immediatly went on a diet and started and excersize plan.  Don't get me wrong, there's no way in hell anyone can look at me and call me fat.  From the waist up i'm totally normal - waist down however that's a differnt story - my butt got HUGE.  I had to go out and buy all new jeans (size 9 in juniors) I've been nothing but mortified. I used to wear a 3 in my younger days then when i got up to a 5 i was like cool - but to skip 6, 7, 8, all the way to a 9 is just insane.  I've commited to doing something that makes be break a sweat Everyday.  Not only that food has been totally re-evaluated.  No more fast/fried foods, no more beef or pork (only chicken and fish) No sugar, no fat.  Only salads, fruits and veggies - will also be getting one of those cleansing things - yeah, that's right.  It's gonna be poop central for like 2 weeks but if it helps me in loosing the weight then i'm all over it.

I like the new job.  It's familiar territory so it wasn't hard for me to pick up - execution is the only thing different - I've been told that i'm doing well so far so - so good.

My boyfriend and I started dating back in Sept. 08. He's really good to me.  He really does try to treat me like a princess (now you know i'm not used to that).  He listens and he's compasionate.  He's smart and funny.  Hot as the day is long durring the summer.  He likes to pay for stuff and i'm still trying to get used to that.  I've been so independent for so long I just don't know how to react to someone that wants to do everything for me.  I don't know if I want to get used to it.  i love my independence and don't want to give it up.  I have a fear of becoming one of those girls/women who put 100% into their relationships and when it ends they don't know which way is up.  I don't ever want to be that woman.  But I have brought this to his attention and we've agreed on a medium - I just need to get used to that medium LOL!

My life has taken an unexpected turn - things were so wrong and so down for quite a while.  Now things are looking up.  Things are going the way I'd hoped but I'm trying to get used to the idea that maybe this is a good thing for me and I should embrace this change and new direction and work it for all that it's worth with all of my ability - Keep good hopes for me people, I'm about to put my foot on the gas and just go.

Bored and borderline lonely

Why is it, that when one starts to feel lonley it comes over like a massive wave and wade around in that pool for what seems like forever (until the perosnal situation changes or you just shake it off)?  I've been living alone for 14 months.  I've been single for 11 months.  I loved living alone becuase it was the first time that I've been able to in my whole life.  I've had my own apt's before for sure, but i've always lived with someone.  Whether it was a parent, sibling, cousin, friends or boyfriend.  I've always lived with someone util now.  It's been so refreshing! I felt so independant.  I started off really rocky because when I moved into my apt I didn't have anything.  I had something to sleep on, a microwave, I had to buy a fridge, a few towels and my laptop.  That's it.  Now I've got everything I need and I've made myself a home.  Surprisingly it didn't take me long at all to get used to living alone. I preffered being by myself.  I don't even envite anybody over here.  It's my space and my comfort zone.  I don't have to clean up if I don't feel like it.  I can walk around all weekend looking like a homeless person! Yay - I can watch what I want - sleep in the middle of the day. The freedom of living alone was something that I had never experianced and I'm not willing to give it up any time soon.  The way I see it now, I'd preffer to live alone forever.

But lately, I've been feeling like I want to explore the city.  Go places, do things, try things I've never done before.  Meet new people, go out dancing, check out festivals, go to movies and other stuff everybody else gets to do sometimes.  The closest friend I had was transfered to our Vegas office back in September.  I don't have any close friends out here.  All of my family is back east.  I am out here all alone.  I broke up with my boyfriend...Ex-boyfriend back in August of last year.  I still see and speak to him from time to time but it's nothing steady.  He's gonna be leaving to go back East before the year is out.  Then I'll really be out here alone.

I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship.  Probably won't be for a long time.  I wouldn't mind dating though.  I've concidered it.  I haven't dated in years.  I think I may have forgotten how to - that as well as flirting. I think I forgot how to flirt. *sigh*

What I would like is a friend.  Someone I can talk to.  Someone I could do things with.  Go places with.  Someone that would come over and play video games with.  I'm not looking to fall in love. 

But I don't really know anybody outside of my job.  I don't have the desire to hang out with people I work with.  Simply because I don't want people I work with in my bussiness. (I went with her to the club and she dances like a chicken!...not that I dance like a chicken but who knows what some sleezball might say behind my back).

I really hate feeling like this.  Mostly because I don't know what to do about it.  I don't know where to start.  I make friends very easily.  I can talk to anybody.  I'm funny, lively, animated, I can dance really well, love movies, love trying new things and just hang out  - watch t.v., play video games - talk.  But I don't have anyone that I like enough to do anything with.  It's damn near depressing.

I'm not a child.  I work for a living and I'm paying my own way through school.  I have my own car and my own apartment.  I 'm an adult that would like to befriend other like minded adults for friendship and good times.  Where do I start?  How to I start?

Now would be a great time for someone to just drop into my life.  It's happened before. Hopefully it will happen again.

And tomorrow brings...

I am going to San Francisco to see a friend of mine.  I'm gonna do it up big tourist style.  I'm gonna take pictures, I'm gonna see the Golden Gate Bridge and the Japanese gardens in Golden Gate park!  I'm gonna hit some bars and have good food and good times.

I need this vacation break more than anyone would be able to possibly understand.  I've gone through so much the past few months my spirit needs a recharge.  I need a break.  This time tomorrow I'm gonna be doing something in San Francisco!

Sweet.

A New Begining...

Today was my last day in my department.

I was told a few weeks ago that not only my department was changing but my position was changing with it.  I didn't quite understand what my manager was talking about but as she went on....As she spoke I slowly understood.  In a nutshell my department is becoming a square and I am a triangle.  It was a complete business move.  What I do every day is going to completly change.  So much to the point that my position it won't exist.  The department is changing.  It will be providing its services all across the company.  This is huge. My manager will soon be attaining people that will assist her with this huge move.  Unfortunatley, I don't have the skills, edgucation, experiance and agressiveness to fill those positions.  So I have to leave the deparment. 

I love doing what I do everyday.  I've never woken up thinking "Crap - I gotta go to work."  My manager actually went out of her way to find me a different department to place me in.  I can't explaine my gratitude.  I'm glad I still have a job!  It will always hurt saying goodbye to something you love. I loved my position.  I loved what I did everyday. I felt important.  I felt like what I was doing was significant and now I have to stop and do something I don't feel is important and significant.

It's life, it's business and it's happening to me.  Maybe I'm lucky.  I've never had to deal with this before - but then again, I've never been at a job this long before.  I've been here 2 years in  July.  The company that I work for is wonderful.  I love my company.  I love being apart of it.  I've got insurance and stock options and a 401k! Me!

There's no reason for me to want to work anywhere else.  I am glad and greatful that I can still work for the company that I love. I just wish that I could do it in the department that I love.  This is a change unlike anything I've ever had to deal with in my life so I'm a little scared.  This is a move that I hadn't planned on making...But if there's anything that I learned about myself in my life is that I can adapt.  I can do.  I can do.  I can do.  All I need is a chance to learn, adapt and perfect.

I've been placed in a department that actually has something to do with my major, Marketing.  I'll be doing some surveying of the customers that we have.  I'll be working on a project with a woman who actually has 10 + years in  marketing experiance so I see the deffinate value in the move for sure.  I'll be able to learn a great deal from her for sure.  This is a deffinate good thing.  But it will always hurt to say goodbye to something that you love. And it will always hurt your feelings to find out that you don't have what it takes to make the cut.

So here I am, less than 48hrs from a big change in my life.  I'm walking a thin line and if I fall I hope to fall on comfortable sides. (inhales deeply).

:)

And Life Takes A Different Turn...

I was told by my manager yesterday that I'm no longer allowed to work overtime because it's no longer warrented.  This is going to be a serious blow to my finances.  For almost a year now I've been working 6 days a week.  My checks were really nice.  I wasn't ballin' by no means but I had pleanty of money to pay bills, pay off debt, pay for classes and still have a bit left to play around with.  I'm not even allowed to take a half hour lunch to get a 1/2 hour of overtime every day.  I was crunching numbers all day yesterday and came up that after bills are paid out of my first check of the month I'll have $202 left over.  After bills are paid out of my 2nd check of the month I'll have $117 left over.  That's not including food.  At this rate I won't be able to pay for classes anymore.  All the financial aid I've applied for have denied me because I make too much money.  Ok. 

This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have my car to pay for.  Up until Sept of last year I had a car but I bought it  out right.  I wasnt making payments on it.  That would give me and extra $196 per check.  But now that I have this car and the increased car insurance....I'm going to be sucked dry financially. 

My rent just got raised.  I'm not sure what it is I need to do now.  I love my job and I love the company.  I don't want to leave.  I'm not familiar with asking for a raise.  Not only that but i've only been working at this job for 20 months.  In July I'll be there 2 years.  I've never had a job this long before.  I was fully intending to stay with this company for years.  They have a marketing department and that's what my major is in.  I figured that i'd just transfer departments.

But I need to work something out.  I thought about serving on the weekends but when class starts back up when am I going to find the time to study?  If I don't get another job I can't afford to pay for classes.  I live alone.  I have no family here.  Everyone is back east. 

I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do.  I have to figure something out.  I don't want to get another job but I might have to if I don't get a raise.  Thank gaud I don't have any kids or I'd truely be fucked.

Get it together.  Get it together.  Get it together.